Jesus Is Watching

A burglar enters a home and is greeted by "Jesus is watching!"
He shines his flashlight around and finds no one.
He takes another step to hear "Jesus is watching you."
This time he shines the light to discover a parrot.
He asks, "Was that you talking ?"
The parrot answers "Yes."
The burglar asks, "What is your name?"
The parrot replies, "Clarence."
The burglar asks, "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot replies, "The same idiot that named the Doberman Jesus."

Noah's Ark

The Lord said to Noah....there's gonna be a flood... And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am telling you to build yourself an Ark" said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and then it will start to rain" said the Lord. "You should have your Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is your Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, So I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish & Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we've got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animals rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe."

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!' thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his last Word: "Government."

Originally posted by inky1:

Good one, CF. Thanks.

Originally posted by peach:
Come on folks ! Post some jokes ! Rough day at work !

Originally posted by peach:

Come on folks ! Post some jokes ! Rough day at work !

"All About Dogs"

A. Dog property laws:

If I like it, it's mine.
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.


B. How dogs and men are the same:

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.


C. How dogs are better than men:

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


D. Top 10 reasons a dog is better than a woman:

10. A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.


E. Life lessons learned from a dog:

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
Don't go out without ID.
If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a kiss.
Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
Always give people a friendly greeting.
When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).


F. Things dogs have to remember:

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
We do not have a doorbell.
I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Originally posted by Petrosianic:

Quote:

Originally posted by peach:
Come on folks ! Post some jokes ! Rough day at work !

I had dinner with Garry Kasparov last night. The restaurant had checkered tablecloths. It took him 45 minutes to pass me the salt.