Signs On Church Property

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to Heaven. Details Inside!"

An ad for St.Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

Words of Insight and Wisdom

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Jewish Skill

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat! said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!*Swish!* The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"

CHICAGO (AP) - Japanese adults can't get enough satisfaction, but Austria's mojo is working. Sex is more satisfying in countries where women and men are considered equal, according to an international study of people between the ages of 40 and 80 by researchers at the University of Chicago. Austria topped the list of 29 nations studied with 71% of those surveyed reported being satisfied with their sex lives. Spain, Canada, Belgium and the United States also reported high rates of satisfaction. The lowest satisfaction rate - 25.7% - was reported in Japan.

The study was led by sociologist Edward Laumann, considered a top authority on the sociology of sex, who believes the findings show that relationships based on equality lead to more satisfaction for both genders. "Male-centered cultures where sexual behavior is more oriented toward procreation tend to discount the importance of sexual pleasure for women," Laumann said. "When mama's not happy, nobody's happy," he said. The study appears in the April issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior. It was funded by Pfizer, which makes the impotence drug Viagra.

Researchers surveyed 27,500 people by phone, in person or by mail, depending on local practices. The difference in questioning methods was one of the study's limitations, the researchers noted. A nation's level of health and education could contribute to the findings, said John DeLamater, a professor at the University of Wisconsin and editor of the International Journal of Sex Research, who was not involved in the research. "It's conceivable that people in developed countries have more information about sexuality. And they're also healthier," DeLamater said. "Being better informed, and being in better shape, they may be more able to maintain a satisfying sex life."

TOP FIVE
1. Austria: 71.4% satisfied with their sex lives.
2. Spain: 69%.
3. Canada: 66.1%.
4. Belgium: 64.6%.
5. United States: 64.2%.

BOTTOM FIVE
25. Thailand: 35.9%.
26. China: 34.8%.
27. Indonesia: 33.9%.
28. Taiwan: 28.6%.
29. Japan: 25.7%.

Internet Addict

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have internet connection.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with dial up modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

"25 Signs That You've Already Had Too Much Of The 21st Century"

1. You just tried to enter your password on the
microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting
wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of
cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time
to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's
for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her
website.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from
South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next
door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but
you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records
your college roommate used to play.

10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken
noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K
compliant.

12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking
you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can
create a screen saver.

13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Every commercial on television has a web-site
address at the bottom of the screen.

15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of
date and now sells for half the price you paid.

16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit
or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast
food bags out of the back seat of your car.

18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is
that they do not have e-mail addresses.

19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully
slow.

20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing
cabinet.

21. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored
Post-it notes.

22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of
in person.

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse... you're going to forward it to someone
else.