Communist:
You have two cows, your neighbour has none. The government expropriates the cows, gives them to a community farm and forces you to wait in line for three hours to get milk. The milk is sour.

Socialist:
You have two cows, your neighbour has none. The government forces you to sell one cow, gives it to your neighbour and lets you form a cooperative with him.

Social Democratic:
You have two cows, your neighbour has none. You feel guilty and vote for a government that will increase taxes. To pay them you have to sell one cow, the government uses the tax money to buy it and give it to your neighbour. You feel better.

Christian Democratic:
You have two cows, your neighbour has none. You feel guilty and sell one cow to your neighbour for a charitable price, but later regret it.

Capitalist:
You have two cows, your neighbour has none. You sell one cow and buy a bull to breed, then buy your neighbour's land and charge him rent for living in the stable.

European Union:
You have two cows. The EU pays you subsidies to get a third, then buys the surplus milk and dumps it into the North Sea.

USA:
You have two cows. You sell them, lease them back and form a public company. Then you force the cows to give ten times as much milk, and when one of them dies you explain to your shareholders that you've just cut your costs by 50%. The share prices skyrocket.

Britain:
You have two cows. Both are mad.

Japan:
You have two cows. You genetically engineer them to shrink them to one tenth of their original size, create a cartoon about them and market it globally.

Italy:
You have two cows, but don't know where they are. You go looking for them, meet a beautiful woman, fall in love with her and decide to take a break. Life is good.

LONDON(AFP) - British tourists have left the residents of one charming Austrian village 'effing' and 'blanking' by constantly stealing the signs for their oddly-named village. While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of F---ing, Austria are failing to see the funny side, The Sunday Telegraph newspaper reported. Only one kind of crimimal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near Salzburg on the German border -- cheeky (cocky bold) British tourists armed with a sense of humour and a screwdriver.

But the local authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout. "We will not stand for the F---ing signs being removed," the officer told the broadsheet. "It may be very amusing for you British, but F---ing is simply F---ing to us. What is this big F---ing joke? It is puerile (ie, silly, childish, juvenile)." Local guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British that had a fixation with F---ing.

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained. "Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of Music' (the 1965 film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see Hitler's birthplace in Braunau. "But for the British, it's all about F---ing." Guesthouse boss Augustina Lindlbauer described the village's breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas. "Yet still there is this obsession with F---ing," she said. "Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that there were no F---ing postcards."

Originally posted by Ed Yetman, III:

Here's a chess extension of the comparative economic systems:

USCF: millions of dollars are spent buying young cows, while nothing is spent maintaining older cows. No cow lives to milking age. No one knows why, or even asks why.

FIDE: You must milk 40 cows in 90 minutes, after which you get an extra thirty seconds to milk one extra cow.

World Championship: There are several cows, but they are all in separate pastures and no one can agree on how to milk them.

Little Johnny and Susie, each 5 years old, were playing house. They both decided it was time to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie's father to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.

"Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you support my daughter?" asked the little girl's father.

"I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well, sir," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"