A jeweler turned drink designer has made a splash in the Chicago bar scene with a new cocktail that costs a whopping US$950.00.

The Ruby Red is a tangy mix of vodka, champagne, cognac, pomegranate liqueur and orange juice.And it comes complete with a one-carat, grade-A ruby. "We kind of were playing with an idea that someone could come in and have something to celebrate and remember the night by," said Pete Gugni, a manager at the trendy Reserve club in downtown Chicago. Gugni said the club wanted to come up with something more memorable than opening a bottle of champagne. "That's where the stone comes in - at the end of the night they can take it home."

Gugni spent a few years as a jeweler after he graduated from art school, but switched to managing a bar because he got bored sitting behind a desk all day. He used his old connections to buy the cocktail gems wholesale, and says they can easily be turned into a ring, pendant or earrings.So far, he has sold three. The first was to an out-of-town businessman who quietly ordered it for the woman sitting with him at a table.The next was a Reserve regular who bought one for his girlfriend.The third was an extravagant club promoter in his 20s who bought it to impress a first date.The man made a big show of handing it to the woman and warned her to watch out for a surprise at the bottom of her martini glass."She was loving it," Gugni said. "All her friends were looking at it trying to see the stone."

Coming up with a recipe for the drink took a lot of experimenting behind the bar with the club's servers acting as a test market."We wanted to use pomegranate because it's hitting a popular trend with the anti-oxidants, and orange is really good with that," Gugni explained. Dom Perignon champagne added a certain 'je-ne-sais-quoi', while using the Grey Goose orange vodka brought a smooth and silky kick."It's not a really heavy or sweet drink. It's got more of a tart taste."Nobody has ordered the drink without the ruby yet. Gugni figures he would charge around 120 or 130 dollars for a gem-less Ruby Red, to cover the cost of uncorking the champagne. But even at that price, they won't get the whole bottle - they just get a splash.

A new mortuary in a recession-hit town, blatantly trying to drum up business, decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she
said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink
a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees
only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative,
and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird
dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk
on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none
of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist
by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by they fired,
and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The
dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to
retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This
continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across
the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a
single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice
anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim.

40 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy


1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
3. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Old friends could care less whether you've lost or gained weight.
6. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
7. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
the boards).
8. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
9. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
10. Your last name stays put.
11. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
12. The garage is all yours.
13. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
your friend.
16. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
17. You don't have to shave below your neck.
18. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
19. Chocolate is just another snack.
20. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
21. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
22. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
23. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
24. You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.
25. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking,
"he must be mad at me."
26. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
27. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
28. Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
29. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
30. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
31. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
32. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
33. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
34. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong buddies.
35. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
36. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or
throw it across the room.
37. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
38. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
39. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... Notice anything
different?"
40. One mood, all the time!

A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.

From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a kock?"

All the men inside the Church stood up!

"No, I mean, has anyone seen a kock?"

All the women inside the church stood up!

"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen my kock?"

All the nuns stood up!

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks,

"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly bruised and beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,
"Are there any 'gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward shore. About
halfway there, he called out again. "How'd you get rid of the 'gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"Really?" asked the tourist.

"Didn't have to. The sharks got 'em!"